Inverloch in Esk
by quicksilver009
Summary: a mysterius man stumbls into a smal town near Inverloch, wounded...chaos ensues with a plague that threatens the whole wrld...


6. 6

Extraneous Crap: I do not own Phoenix Requiem! Sarah Ellerton does! Flamez r welcome! Just review the story if it makes you LOL!

Jonas Gets Bitch-slapped

Warning: Blood and Swearing! The Terror!!!! 8-0

Chapter 1

Once upon a time in a country that lacked a map called Donweil in an unnamed decade of the 1800s, there was a handsome Gary Stu named Jonas who had an Indian burn on his stomach from a frenemy. He stumbled through the forest, hoping he would look sexy if he died. He clutched the Indian burn like it was a bulletwound because he was whoring for attention. Finally he reached an Alaskan town (oops I meant Donweilan town) called Esk. Seeing that, he fell down to con people's attention.

Meanwhile there was an unexplained party going on that had something to do with spirits. The original author called it "All Hallows' Eve", which to us regular readers sounds like Halloween, but the author never tells us exactly what it is. Little kiddies were playing with ghost kite-things. In the background was a girl named Anya standing next to a useless character named Dr. Moretty.

Anya was a Russian chick who came from a meaningless nation called Mishara. She looked so generic she didn't look like anyone. She looked like a zombie Barbie doll in an 1800s coat. Oh ja and she had brown hair and brown eyes. Dr. Moretty was a meaty-looking guy with a beard and glasses. He wore glasses becuz he wuz a JEANIUS. He turned to Anya.

"Anya, do you believe TEH SPIRITS are coming back?" asked Moretty.

"No," she answered. "I'll stick to my Misharan deity!"

"What's Mishara?"

"A country like Russia? Something like that? I wish I had a map."

"Forget it. The author won't make one." He ROFLcopter'ed to himself.

Two kids had fun with their spirit-y kite thingies and went out somewhere they could see the firelights better. One kid was a cute lil girl named Coralee, who will be a useless character later on except to show how much Jonas is a saint. She saw a man with an Indian burn on the snow. Her friend went off to get help.

She stayed by Jonas and saw a Dakor wolf thingy, which comes from the author's superior other work _Inverloch_. Then help came and rescued the comatose Jonas.

Anya stood in her home to give Jonas unnecessary surgery for the burn because she thought it was a bullet wound.

"Oh crap," she said, looking at his unfortunate injury, "I wish Dr. Blythe was here! I don't know what to do!" She was an incompetent nurse anyway who wasn't actually serious about her job. She found a YouTube video on her steampunk computer and used that as her guide. Then she healed him and took advantage of his unconscious body.

Chapter 2

A tomboy whore named Petria had a swordfight with a schmexy ex-soldier named Robyn, that she tried to throw herself on long ago. Tomboys aren't supposed to exist in Victorian times so it's a wonder she even survived for so long in the story. Oh well.

Then they had a pointless conversation that wasted an entire chapter. Robyn talked about a spirit-war thingy. It would of made an awesome flashback but the author annoyingly told it instead of showing it. Then Petria and Robyn went to the bar to get drunk.

Chapter 3

It was another day in the office for Anya. Jonas was in a coma. She whined again about being Dr. Blythe's maid because she didn't realize that was part of the job 200 years ago. She got her first patient.

He was a dude named Jerral who was muttering some crap about magic. Anya said magic wasn't real and put this dude to bed.

She went out the door to leave him because good nurses leave their patients to suffer and die, but Jerral's wife came running inside. She wanted to stay by her husband's side.

Anya turned towards her comatose dude because he was cuter.

"Forget him!" yelled Jerral's wife. "My husband is dying!"

"So will this man if he doesn't get food," said Anya, though the human body can survive for a month or more without food, you dumbass. She checked on the cute guy then decided to go to Tobias's apothecary to get medicine or something. "I won't be gone long!"

"You better be or I'll sue for malpractice!"

Anya was out the door. She caught up with tomboy Petria, whose green coat was too tight. They wasted twenty minutes talking on the way to get medicine. Jerral's wife came running.

"My husband just died, you bitch! Malpractice!" she screamed.

"Petria! Stay with her!" Anya ordered. She ran back to Dr. Blythe's hospital place, which must not of taken her very long or else she could have observed Jerral so would know how to treat the next patient.

Jerral was a bunch of rotted flesh. Anya shrugged her shoulders and failed to look shocked or show any emotion, because she must be a robot.

"Hello!" said a voice behind her. It was Jonas.

"Snowman! You're alive!" she said. "And you have no shoes!"

"I have a foot fetish!"

"How interesting!"

"People say I'm a boring fellow, so I have to make up something. Tally-ho! Apples and pears! Blimey! Bugger!" He said crap in London-ese to impress her.

She wasted ten minutes talking to him before she appeared for Jerral's funeral.

There was his funeral at the church, but we never get to see it because Sarah's too into her characters. Anya displayed no emotion while Jonas acted too cheerful. They flirted some more.

"Say, I'm a brilliant doctor and I saved a man from uncertain death!" said Jonas, who totally ignored the fact someone just died. The bastard.

"I'm a brilliant doctor and I saved a man from uncertain death!" repeated Anya like a robot. Her friends walked in.

First Jonas was shocked at Petria wearing pants even though she looked sex-ay. Then he was shocked at Robyn for actually being somewhat interesting. They had smalltalk and everybody was happy. Then Jonas acted extremely forward and asked Anya for a pointless walk around town.

Chapter 4

Jonas and Anya went for a walk. They stopped at Dr. Blythe's house, Anya's place of work.

"Good evening, Mr. Faulkner," she said.

"Good evening," Jonas said. He went off. Anya talked to herself for a paragraph when suddenly Jonas scared her by coming back.

"I suppose you're not inviting me in for tea, then?!" he said, looking like a crazy person.

"You're acting like a serial killer! You're too forward even though I don't know you, you take me on a walk and don't even know my last name, and now you're asking me for tea! You're just going to have me invite you over so you can kill me and hide my body!"

"Craziness."

"I'm surprised no one caught this."

"I guess that's what happens when you never talk to REAL PEOPLE and don't have a REAL PERSON edit the script. Tell me why this story so popular again?"

"It must be the art." Their uber-detailed character designs suddenly turned to stick figures.

"There goes our popularity."

"Crap."

Let's screw writing the rest of the pointless exposition and cut to the chase. BTW no one was stick figures anymore.

It was Springtime some unspecified amount of time after. The friends went for a hunt. Petria was dressed in a green hunting outfit WITH PANTS and no one was fazed. Robyn was dressed the same way he always is. Jonas wore a black top hat. Anya wore a blue riding gown.

So they went to the woods to hunt for pigeons. PETA wouldn't be happy. Jonas showed Anya how to handle a shotgun, but looked strangely blank in the frame, even though his eyes should have been looking to her. She looked blank as normal.

She shot a pigeon, which screamed on its way down. Jonas thought he sensed a spirit and went to the pigeon. Anya and the others went to join him when he didn't return for several minutes.

"Ohnoes!!" she said. "Hez unconscious!"

Suddenly Jonas woke up again. An unnecessary effect was used. The animals ran away. A spirit appeared in the middle of the woods and did nothing because it's a MacGuffin. The other characters were awed. Then the spirit disappeared. They muttered some cliches and got going on their way. Jonas saw the dead pigeon again and ate it raw like Gollum from that one scene in LOTR. No one noticed.

Then, a pointy policeman rode down in his carriage and stopped the group.

"Did you see a schmexy archetypical hero anywhere?" he asked.

"Like, yeah," said Robyn. "I saw him like, in Esk, like, doing stuff, like. He like, wasn't doing anything with spirits. I mean alcohol spirits! Yeah, he like, drinks lots of alcohol. Lahk, totallay."

"Can you talk like a normal person?"

"No."

"Anyway, that's all the info I need. Go!" he told his horses while doing an impossible mouth pose I have never seen anyone actually do. He rode away.

"Robyn! How could you do such a thing, revealing Jonas's location?" asked Anya.

"His Gary Stu-ness, like, was, like, totally pissing me off."

A male spirit who looked like Orlando Bloom appeared to Anya, who was in her transparent nightgown. The spirit wanted to see everything, but the author censored it. He was disappointed.

"Anya," said the spirit, "kill Jonas!"

"Say what?" she said.

"Kill Jonas!"

"Again?"

"Kill. Jone-ass."

"Now I hear you."

"Kill the Gary Stu so he may return to the spirit world and frrrreeee ussss!"

"Okay!" Anya smiled. Then she had sex with the spirit. The spirit disappeared from her bedroom. Anya went to sharpen her best Cutco knife to do the deed.

Later Anya went to Jonas's house to kill him. He awakened at screamed because now she looked even MORE like a zombie.

She killed him and chopped him into tiny pieces like an insane person would. She thought he was dead for good. But then those pieces turned to mercury and re-assembled themselves.

"Anya, what the hell! What the hell!" screamed Jonas. "I was minding my own business and you come along and try to kill me! Damn!"

"A sexy male spirit asked me to kill you!" she said nonchalantly, because Sarah's Ellerton's characters act like death is nothing and give bad people who die no respect. The hooligans.

"That's my wife in disguise! Because I married a man. Who thought he was a woman. Before I killed her, bwahahaha! But then he came back in ghost form for revenge as a woman. Now he's...trying...to kill me. For good reason. I really am insane! Wait, why am I telling you this?"

"Nevermind that, I have some drugs for you to help you sleep better at night!" She reached in her nightgown's pocket and gave him LSD. He saw funny things in his vision for the rest of the night.

A Chinese chick with a too-tight yellow dress and an matching umbrella saw Jonas and Anya. She was unhappy. Her name was Li-hua.

"Jonas! You dickhead!" she yelled.

"What'd I do?" he asked dumbly.

"You bastard! You got my brother hanged!" WHAP! She swung her umbrella at him, causing him to fall to the ground. He looked at her with a silly face.

"I think you'll find he brought that fate upon himself when he tried to kill me," said Jonas like an insensitive clod.

"Jonas! Show some respect!" Anya corrected him.

WHAP!!! Li-hua brought down her umbrella again.

"Oweee!" cried Jonas like a little girl.

"You prick! Why did I choose you to be my suitor!" Anya was angry. She couldn't believe she'd healed this clod's Indian burn in the beginning with exploratory surgery.

"Anya! Defend me!"

"Not this time!" She bitch-slapped him.

Then Li-hua bitch-slapped him.

Then his wife's ghost appeared and bitch-slapped him before she vanished.

"Owwww! That hurt!"

"That's nothing compared to losing my brother!" Li-hua yelled. She folded up her umbrella again and walked off in a huff.

"Jonas, we better get going so you can meet my perfect parents in my family of Sues," said Anya, grabbing his arm so she Indian-burned it.

"Okie dokie," said Jonas.

"Oh yah and don't act like an ass in front of them, Jone-ass."

They went to her perfect little Victorian-style house. They went inside but the reader couldn't see the pretty backgrounds because the colors were too dark and the characters crowded out the backgrounds because this is a serious drama. They went to a random bedroom. Jonas sat down without his shoes because he had a foot fetish for himself. He went asleep.

Then he awakened in a frame that looked like he was going to invite Anya to bed so he could rape her and kill her, because his personality fits a serial killer's profile. But he didn't because he was in the wrong comic.

"I'm awake," he said in a sexy voice. Anya sat next to him in a sexy position. She gave him a strange drug. "What's this?"

"Shrooms," she answered, "because you're so boring. It makes you see things."

"Cooool."

"What Li-hua said to you really upset you!"

"That spirit that talked to her brother wasn't a spirit, it was Zombie Hitler coming to kill us all!!!"

"Oh crap, that's horrible! Why do you still carry that ring in your pocket?" She meant his wedding ring that she wanted to sell on steampunk Ebay.

"Because it's shiny!"

"Whatever, I'll leave you be and talk to my parents."

"Okie dokie." Anya left the room. Suddenly Jonas's wife's spirit appeared in the room. She made an anvil fall on his head, causing him to turn into an accordian. She disappeared. A maid glanced in the room and thought she had gone mad when she heard him playing "Fat Girl Polka" in the room.

Jonas met Anya's generic little brother Slavik. BTW Jonas wasn't an accordian anymore. He thought Slavik's face looked funny because his mouth was too low and then he had strange mouth shapes when he talked. Jonas cocked his head like an anime character and it got stuck that way.

Anya led him so he could meet her parents. Her old man had a huge mustache and her mother looked just as generic as Anya but was supposed to be older. She actually didn't have many sags on her face or as much fat as she should for a woman her age. The reader thought she was boring.

Anya's mother took a good look at Jonas. She was repulsed by his appearance.

"Get this thing out of this house!" she screamed. "Out! Out! Out!"

"It couldn't be because my head's stuck this way, is it?" he asked.

"You're a freak! At last you get a flaw but I still don't like you!"

"Why don't you love me?! Everybody's supposed to love Jonas!"

"You're a jackass! Anya, date another man and stop playing doctor!"

"Yes, Mother," said Anya obediently.

Petria came into Jonas's home dressed in a tube top, even though there's no way she could have held it on because there was no elastic and her pants were still too tight. And what was holding her boobs up?? It's a wonder her pants didn't split when she tried to sit.

She did some random cleaning. Then she saw a thing that looked like a SCREAM mask and screamed.

SCREAM!

"Robyn!" she yelled. Robyn appeared. He had a big bloody scratch on the right side of his face that made him look cooler.

"There's Shades outside!" he said. Then the comic turned into a stageplay.

"I hope it doesn't figure out how to get into the house like those velociraptors from Jurassic Park!"

"It won't. Let's talk like two stage characters even though there's probably a badass scene going on outside."

"Okay."

"I got scratched by a Shade as I was coming in. And now I'm gonna reveal I was a coward in the army."

"Flashback?"

"Nope. Oh yeah I'm totally gay for Jonas. He like, makes me feel, like totally safe."

"I thought you hated him!"

"I tried not to like the scrawny arrogant bastard but I can't because he's the HERO! So he makes me feel...happy." Robyn blushed.

"Ooh, he makes me feel that way too."

"Why do we both feel this way?"

"He wears pheromones! That's why!"

"I knew it. 'Twas a conspiracy!"

"That mystery is solved. Now what?"

Robyn looked out the window again to see if the scream mask was there again. It was implied it wasn't. "The Shade's gone."

"Isn't that a good thing?"

"No. I want it where I can see it."

"Can I see?"

"No. It wasn't drawn." Petria stepped up to see for herself. All she saw was blankness.

"Dammit. I bet that looked awesome."


End file.
